Reform Gracefully

Have you ever noticed that when people reform, they sometimes tend to go a little overboard, pressuring everyone else to make the same changes? I often see it when someone is first on a diet. The day before the diet, they may have enjoyed chocolate chip cookies with you. In fact, they may have eaten a bunch of cookies, with each going to be their last cookie, if you know what I mean. But today — heaven forbid. All they can do is to sitting on their high horse, telling you about your clogged arteries and the evils of chocolate.

And don't even think about kidding that you eat chocolate for its antioxidant value. They're not ready to joke about life-threatening matters. In fact, the new diet is about all they can talk about, even though they've only been on it for two days.

Or spend much time around a recent ex-smoker and you end up feeling guilty about smoking, even if you've never smoked. Reformers tend to go on a crusade to make the rest of the world reform, too. Religious people sometimes fall into that trap, but the worst might be horse people who have “seen the light.”

They come back from a clinic, having “discovered” a gentle training technique and they rail against everyone else who they assume is using “the 2x4 method” of persuasion. Never mind that there have been excellent, gentle trainers since Noah led two horses off the ark. The person who learns, for instance, that he can train using only a snaffle — or even bridleless — tends to rail against everyone using what he thinks is a cruel bit. When he learns that he can get a good head position without using draw reins, he's likely to see everyone using draw reins as abusive. And on it goes.

It's normal for a pendulum to swing to the opposite side before it comes back to the middle. And it's normal for new converts to overdo it, too. Sometimes they're so enthusiastic that they want everyone else to see what they see. Other times, they are insecure in their new knowledge or resolve that they become rigid or legalistic about it. The person on a new diet is so afraid of falling off the program that she becomes obsessed with getting everyone else around her to follow the program, too. And the person with the new-found horse knowledge doesn't know enough about it to withstand any challenge, so she may push her friends to swallow it hook, line, and sinker.

Unfortunately, sometimes the clinician or school will have set up an “us and them” mindset, often by making fun of people who do things differently from the school's method. A little misplaced humor sets an unhealthy tone, and the student falls into the trap, learning to puff himself up by knocking other people or feeling that there's only one “right” way.

My advice to new converts is to be gracious. Don't pick up that old 2x4 method to use on your friends. Win them over. Don't assume everyone else is a bad guy. Your new method isn't threatened by their old method.

And should you be the friend of the new convert, extend him or her grace. Don't squash that enthusiasm, but don't join in the criticism of other people. Don't feel threatened by their zeal.

Instead, encourage new converts to talk about what they've learned, not what other people do. Ask questions to allow them to think out loud with you. The new convert might eventually need your friendship and encouragement as they later eat their words, finding that it's not always so easy to put that new knowledge into practice.

Lest you think that I'm saying this from my ivory tower, I'll fess up. I'm not only talking about other people here. The tendency to go overboard is natural, and years ago I was too rigid in my view of what constituted good horsemanship. But even I eventually learned the occasional cookie doesn't blow the whole weight-loss program.

The bottom line is that as good horsemen we want to leave people in better shape than we found them. Our kind words, our not jumping on on others when they're a little over the top, and our encouraging them to be their best will help them to gain the confidence they need to find balance in what they're doing. It's worth the extra effort — even if they tell you something you've known for 20 years as if you are one of the unenlightened ones.